Indeed, life has no clear-cut beginnings. Looking back on how we got to know each other, I cannot help but marvel at how fate intersects to bring people together, thereby setting in motion a sequence of events which would become so dear to one in the near future. Every single night, I tossed and turned in bed, and as if it was the most natural thing to do, my thoughts drifted back to those moment of happiness, like I was unearthing the past. Yes, I understand that I should put it all behind me. Yes, I know I should not keep dwelling on what had become history. But I was not compelled to forget everything, right? I had the freedom and right to relieve all the times we shared, and nobody, not a soul, had the power to stop me from doing so. No, it’s not that I did not try letting go. It’s just that the past had been too deeply etched in my mind, it’s impossible to forgo them as and when I liked. They are all seared in memory, so irremovable, or rather, too cherished for me to bear to erase. It’s as if he had issued an invitation to me to be part of his world, and since then, I had no longing to leave for the rest of my life. I loved him so much more than I had ever imagined possible, it’s even hard for me to believe. His departure dimmed the lights in my world, casting me into absolute darkness. From then on, feelings helplessness and emptiness overcame me. I abominated how the distance between us was getting more and more pronounced as time went by. I despised the solitude in my heart. I resented the fact that I actually felt I could not do without him. I detested my weakness for not taking things in my stride. I loathed my reliance on him. I hated knowing I was rid of from his life. Unknowingly, he had become so important to me, I could not fathom how I had been able live life before his appearance.
Every morning, I woke up still living in the past, thinking we were still happily together as a couple. Then reality would mercilessly hit me hard that no, it was not the case. There started my daily routine: to stare back blankly at the reflection in the mirror like the image of me was no one I knew of, allowing myself to space out for awhile, then forcibly lifting the corners of my mouth, telling to myself I was ready enough to face the day. Like that was all I needed to get through the day. Like, real.
The continual wave of emotions getting to me due to the reminiscence of memories as soon as I stepped out of the door was enough to wear me down, but I merely shrugged them off as best as I could.
Exhaustion had gradually become a permanent fixture in life; yet it was undue lethargy, without any reason or cause. I needed some quiet time to myself, I needed to relax and forget the world, without having to face anybody, without having to make any decisions, without having to think of the infinite ‘what-ifs’.
Perhaps if love and desires were nothing more than just theoretical possibilities which had no real bearing on the world, I would have been better off. Perhaps.
I admit I had not been around long enough or went through terrible enough things to have weathered real grief and pain, but losing him was more than enough for me to cry endlessly.
I wished I was just temporarily off track. I wished I would soon right myself again. I wished time would quickly pass and eventually I would grow to be so accustomed to the numbness.
Yet, as much as I tried to move on, I found my thoughts to be still drawn to him. Every little thing seems to remind me of him and immediately, his image would begin to conjure in my mind. I would then hold on to the ache like a drowning person grasping a life buoy.
To tell the truth,
I miss the feeling of the subtle rise and fall of his chest as I leaned against him.
I miss the familiar scent he always had on him.
I miss the way his fingers would naturally fill the spaces between mine as I slipped my hand into his.
I miss the messages, and him calling me ‘laopo!~’ cheerfully whenever I came online.
I miss him being around.
I miss the way we would smile as we caught sight of each other from a distance.
I miss how I was so comfortable and at ease when I was with him.
I miss his letters and writing him letters during class.
I miss feeling how nothing else in the world matters more than him.
I miss joking, laughing, bullying him.
I miss the silly lame things we did together.
I miss his words of comfort and encouragement whenever I was troubled or helpless.
I miss being there for him.
I miss how his eyes look into mine as I look into his.
I miss our retarded game of “ni, wo, ta”
I miss his thoughtfulness.
I miss the way he cares.
I miss the times he got worried when I replied his messages late.
I miss telling him “I love you”.
I miss how every time during each monthly anniversary we would wait till it was exactly midnight before sending a message to the other party and see who the faster one was.
I miss the sense of security he gave.
I miss warming his cold hand with mine.
I miss nagging incessantly at him.
I miss receiving his messages everyday.
I miss being his girlfriend.
I miss being in his life.
I miss everything about him.
I. Miss. Him.
Once upon a time, his cozy embrace had made me feel as if nothing in the world, neither a single person nor thing, would change this amazing chemistry between us. I would always hope to find some remnant of the wonderful feelings lingering in the atmosphere at various places we had been to. It’s so hard, so difficult, so impossible to banish the images of him from my mind. In the dead of the night, these thoughts would begin to surface more frequently, with more intensity and as I cuddled myself into a ball on my bed, the reality would bear down hard on me, then provoking my tear glands to get to work as weeping seems to be the only thing that could lighten my sorrows.
Many a times, I would wonder if he still gives a damn about me, whether he even cares now. Do I still matter? Or am I just another insignificant being who had barged my way into his life and having no choice, to leave by his ‘order’ after awhile?
I need peace. Maybe a place relatively isolated and largely uninterested in keeping up with the ever quickening pace of life elsewhere, somewhere ideal for gloomy people to escape and hide away from all other stuff, somewhere where one would be able to cast all his/her troubles and cares in the world away. Maybe after I got there, I would be empowered with the strength and courage to start all over again, and do my utmost best to move on. Maybe occasionally the past would return to haunt me, maybe it would still be a struggle at times, but surely it would not be as bad as it once had been. Then I would be able to get through this, this relationship which had taken an irreversible turn from the blissful one it formerly was, this relationship which had ended to become one of the darkest period of my life.
I dare not say that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I am 100% sure that the process of knowing him and getting together with him was one of the most significant and memorable events in my life that I would always remember and keep close to heart. I swear.
10:45:00 PM
'JUNE Seventeen year old gemini with random hyperactivity. Loves ambiguity, oxymorons, quotes and the beauty of words. Laming is her forte. Has absolutely no concept about time. Fetish for sexy ears and rabbit teeth. Wants to go on a globe trotting adventure. Can never resist food, especially potato, tofu and eggs. A sucker for rainy days.
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